Lost is On: Sleeping With the...Everyone

Words cannot explain why it has taken me until Thursday to bring a recap of this week's episode. What a provocative episode, you guys! Another con is in bed with Sawyer! Sawyer's in bed with the police! And then Charlotte! In an episode of whose side is whose, and whose side is where, Sawyer stands firm as the one guy of the bunch whose sleeping with everyone. Even his visit to Site B rehashes his tryst with Kate when he finds a soiled spring dress bunched up and hanging over the fish biscuit button (not really, but HEY...you got yourself a fish biscuit!). It sure makes us all glad that Juliette is (probably) dead, because it allows Sawyer to return to the All-American Man Whore we remember him as. Thankfully, however, this episode isn't titled "Who Sawyer Does", and it's not all about that either (I think). So, that being said, let's do the dishes!

We start the episode with the classic con that Sawyer does so well. The money spills out, you weren't exactly supposed to see that, but this version has a twist! The chick he's bedding is actually a con artist too? And the police are outside? (Why are the police outside? They should be inside!) And when Sawyer says the magic word, "LaFluer" (huh?), in come the police to arrest the con artist and HEY, Sawyer is a cop too! The whole thing was a set up! And Miles is his partner! Flashing sideways is weird, am I right?

The rest of the flash sideways is devoted to James sleeping with Miles' best friend's father's uncle's nephew's daughters former roommate Charlotte, blowing the whole deal because she found his secret "Sawyer" file, and finally bringing down the wall he has erected since age nine to allow Miles into his sad, twisted, revenge-driven life. Then Kate crashes into his car inexplicably, and we're left with another WTF flash sideways ending when Sawyer does finally nab her.

It's nice to see a "good" version of Sawyer, and to see Miles in a role that doesn't involve just mitigating main characters. He actually shows off some serious conflict chops when he first confronts Sawyer about his trip to Australia. I mean seriously, ACTING! It's crazy. I'm wondering if he can communicate with the dead in the sideways world at all, since it would make police work a heck of a lot easier. I'm almost kind of glad they didn't address that in any way, since I don't really like to think of Miles as a sort of Mentalist/Monk/Psyche/Ghost Whisperer. That would just be weird.

Back on the island, we see a lot of Smoke/Locke and his crew. We hear a lot of people saying, "That man is not Locke", but so many people are following him anyways that we often forget he's also THE SMOKE MONSTER. Kate and Claire have sort of falling out, as Claire tries to kill Kate while Sayid turns a blind eye. Thank goodness the smoke monster also has a heart and saves her. We wouldn't want the show to lose its weakest character, Smoke/Locke! But it's okay, because later Claire apologizes? But she's still a crazy mom? Wow, Lost. I can't wait for this Aaron subplot to be over. It has seriously been the worst part of this show thus far.

Meanwhile, Sawyer is sent off to Site B by Smoke/Locke to do some reconnaissance. We all know who he's going to find, so when Tina Fey shows up on the island somehow, we all know she's part of Widmore's team, and not the only survivor from the Ajira flight as she says she is. So, Sawyer gets whisked away to Widmore's sub, which looks strangely exactly the same as the sub that Locke blew up, so that they can talk. Sawyer tells Widmore that he'll lure Smoke/Locke into his trap so long as everyone on his boat doesn't get touched and is allowed to leave. Then, when Sawyer gets back to the main island, he tells Smoke/Locke that he's going to fool me twice the Widmore team and catch them "with their pants down". Finally, something that Sawyer is familiar with. We all know that Sawyer is the best liar ever, so obviously he's got other plans (which he explains to Kate). He's going to escape on the sub during the ensuing battle. CRAZY.

I missed the other characters this episode, who I find to be infinitely more interesting than Sawyer and Kate. Maybe that's just me, but seriously. What about Sayid turning basically evil? And what about Ben turning basically good? These guys are way more interesting than Sawyer and Kate basically being somewhere on the fence about everything. It makes them seem very wishy-washy, even if they're just looking out for number one. Why Smoke/Locke wants them on his team is beyond me, since he knows that they're backstabbing double-crossers. Or maybe that is why he wants them. Either way, I'm ready to move on from this episode and find out more about everyone else. It was a necessary episode, sure, but to me it just felt like pulling teeth.

I guess my hope is just that this show has a major twist at the end that no one sees coming. I do like Sawyer and Kate in their own regard, and I obviously root for them to succeed, because I'd much rather see the characters we've been devoted to winning the day rather than the Smoke Monster or freakin' Jacob. I don't really want any of them to "take over the island", but it seems that's the way the show is going. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. Most of my theories about the Lost-iverse have been very wrong in the past, so I won't bother guessing. Odds are everyone will be disappointed with the ending, but who cares. This show has held me captive for six hard-edged seasons. And that's saying a lot for any show.

Why Goodreads.com is the Worst

I don't read much. Hell, I don't get out much. When I have a night by myself, and I've worn myself thin on video games of any variety, I always do pretty much the same thing: I cook myself up some chicken strips and french fries, plop down on the couch, put my feet up, and watch a movie I've never seen before. It's invigorating, even if the movie is awful. This complete indulgence of self is fueled by our classic All-American food culture and pop culture. It's even better exemplified when I fall asleep watching baseball. Reading, conversely, is pretty much the last thing on my self-indulgence to-do list.

Don't get me wrong though, I have a pretty active imagination. There are times, when a story is good enough, where I can go long hours reading a book. It doesn't even necessarily have to be that interesting. But a book is an investment. It takes much longer to devour a book than it does to pop in a movie and make chicken strips. A book is like a romantic relationship, and movies are like mindless sex. A book could eventually lead you to the kind of euphoria a movie gives you instantaneously, but it takes forever. And it might not even work out at all. You may think you've landed yourself a killer book, but by the end you feel miserable and several hours have been wasted.

And I know, there are you crazy people who read a mile a minute and finished all of both the canonical and non-canonical Star Wars novels before you were twelve. You won't appreciate anything I have to say here. If books are like relationships, you've had your way with the books you read by the third date and dump them for the next book in line. Libraries are like nightclubs, and every book is a one-night stand. You're willing to read trash because you can read anything you want to without wasting any time.

Regular schmoes like me will understand that reading a book isn't so easy. We also understand that selecting a book isn't very easy either. It's a complicated process, and we need advice on which books to read and which to stay away from. If you're like me, then most of your friends aren't heavy readers either. Most of your friends are worse than even me though. They read only when a book becomes insanely popular, and society requires them to read it to remain cool (Twilight, Harry Potter, et al). These friends, and heavy reading friends, are not who you want to ask for book advice. Both are so opinionated and skewed on their book ideals, you'd wind up either reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being or Dear John. You'd probably get something out of both, but I can promise you that you don't want to read either of them.

So where does one turn? How can an easy decision be reached on what to read? A friend of mine told me to check out goodreads.com. He said that people who read books give reviews on what they thought about the book, and give it a rating. I thought this was a really neat idea, until I actually got to reading some of the reviews. I'd like to point out that 99% of these reviews were written by people who are not professional literary critics. And while some were written by a non-biased, intelligent person - most were written by people who either didn't really read the book, or love/hate the book for no good reason. The ratings are totally arbitrary, because hey, if a book is boring it obviously deserves one star. But if it has a gratuitous sex scene, FIVE STARS!

This site is absolutely no meter for what a "good read" is. How, for example, could Twilight be included in the list for the best novels of all time, and the list for the worst novels of all time? It's either the best, or the worst. Period. It can't be both. Every review is skewed in the 2.0-4.0 out of 5.0 range, because for every good review there's an oppositely valued bad review. Even classics like Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, number ONE on the list of bests, isn't even close to a 5.0. This rating system would make a lot more sense if certified literary critics were the only people adding to the ratings statistics. A comparable system would be that of metacritic.com, where only professionals are allowed to add to the discussion. The numbers are sometimes odd, but even in that system, the greatest examples of art are allowed to be truly great, and to relish in their greatness. On GoodReads, every book is mediocre, and why would I want to read a mediocre book?

GoodReads makes the decision making process harder than it was before we started, which is obviously not its intended effect. And doing the opposite of what you set out to do is the exact definition of failing. And that's all the GoodReads does. Fail.

Lost is On: Fathers Be "Good" to Your Daughters

This episode was CRAZY. Am I right? Ben's running through the jungle, not wanting to get eated by the smoke monster. We don't blame him! He meets up with Team Jake and reports that Sayid just killed Dogen the Dungeon Master (50 DKP minus) and all hell has broken loose. Ilana, the ad-hoc leader of Team Jake, is yet again inquisitive as to the nature of Jacob's death. Linus lies (a lies a lies a lot), of course, but Miles is able to sniff out the truth with Jacob's ashes. Ilana is pissed, but she follow's Ben's plan to head back for the coast anyways and takes him into captivity.

Once on the beach, she ties him up and orders him to dig his own grave. While Ilana is chowing down on a MANGO, Smoke/Locke pays Ben a visit. Because Smoke/Locke is also a JEDI, he is able to free Ben from his bonds and promises him a way off the island. All he has to do is run inland to a gun he has placed by a tree, shoot Ilana, and make for the Hydra station on Site B. Easy enough, Ben supposes, so he takes off running. Ilana chases, and when Ben gets to the gun he tries to explain to Ilana why he killed Jacob. When she asks him why he is running off to be with Smoke/Locke, he says it's because no one else will "have him". Ilana says that she will "have him", and so he follows her back to the beach.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, Hurley and Jack are making their way back to the temple. Hurley is trying to stall Jack, because well, the Temple is in ruins (that's probably the name of a hardcore band somewhere on MySpace). Jack's suspicious as to why Hurley is stalling, but when Richard emerges from the woods he explains everything. Including, but not limited to, why he has never aged. He says that the "Touch of Jacob" is a gift, and that he cannot die because of it. He cannot even kill himself. So, like a bad day in a cycle of Groundhog Days, Richard asks Jack to help off himself in the hull of the Black Rock, the very vessel that brought Richard to the island in the first place. Jack's okay with assisted suicide, apparently, so he sets up a stick of dynamite with a long fuse. Instead of fleeing the ship, Jack has a chat with Richard about life, death, meaning, and purpose. Jack says that there is no way he's going to die, because obviously Jacob has bigger plans for him than blowing up with Richard. So, like a sick joke, the fuse he lit just moments earlier fizzles out just before it reaches the dynamite. Then Jack is like, "Lawl, you wanna light another stick?"

They eventually make their way to the beach with Richard in toe, and - INSERT SLOW-MO BEACH REUNION SCENE! Then, a few thousand yards off-shore, here comes Charles Widmore in a freakin' submarine. A freakin' submarine. A freakin' submarine.

Since the Jack/Hurley/Richard storyline was by far the most interesting part of this episode, it's unfortunate that it was only filler time compared to the Island/Bizzaro Ben storyline. Which was interesting too! In its own sort of weird, creepy kind of way. You see, in Bizzaro world, Ben is a history teacher at a high school in Los Angeles. He's frustrated with administration because, well, he has to teach detention! Because of this, he is forced to miss time with his history club, and more importantly, he is forced to miss time with his student-crush, history prodegy ALEX! Who, by the way, apparently is comfortable visiting Ben at his house? And is also comfortable having one-on-one study time with him? It's all well and creepy, especially when Alex tells Ben about a sexual rendevous between the principal of the school and the school nurse.

Ben decides to do a little further digging with Bug-Guy from season one, and discovers a slew of illicit e-mails between the principal and the nurse. He demands the principal to resign, but fortunately for him, he can use Alex as a bargaining chip, saying that if Ben goes through with his plan, then there's no way Alex is going to get into Yale (d'oh!). So, Ben decides to do what's right, and agrees not to tell anyone about the affair in exchange for a good reference for Alex. And everyone is happy in the end, except for Bug-Guy. But at least he didn't explode into a million pieces.

I had mixed feelings about this episode. Not that I thought the episode was bad, necessarily. I just walked away from it with a funny taste in my mouth. It was a very silly episode. I won't say pointless, because the argument could be made that every episode this season has been pointless. In fact, unless the end justifies the means here, that's probably what I'll wind up saying about this whole season, and perhaps even the whole show. It's hard to have faith that this show is going somewhere when there's been so much wandering, and so much stalling. The best/worst example of this is Hurley trying to stall Jack from reaching the temple. It's like the writers needed a way not only to stall the character, but also to drag the show out a few extra minutes. Seriously, why was that scene even in there?

And sure, Linus does get an opportunity to face his demons and come out a better man; in both the Island realm and bizzaro realm. I appreciate that he did make some steps forward, and again, this all could be leading up to something much bigger than we all realize. But as a stand-alone episode, it felt like the second act of a trilogy, without a real beginning or ending. Maybe the third act of season six will prove this all worth while, but for now, I'm growing weary of all the stalling.

Lost is On: Prepare Your Ass For Kicking

Knowing Sayid like we do, seeing him confront Dogen like he did, you know, "demanding answers" and all (welcome to the friggin' club), I knew that this was going to be an episode full of Sayid kicking ass and taking names. And yes, in perfect Sayid fashion, he kills a lot of people. But in perfect Lost fashion, we see a Sayid who is questioning his right to have a place in this world; a Sayid who is having trouble with his own personal demons. One side must win, and in the end Sayid is overcome by his "dark" side, in both the real world and the bizarro world. We say that it is darkness, but what was Sayid really doing in this episode? Was he acting as a harbinger of death and destruction? Or was he liberating these people from an oppressive leader? I'm sure we can all say the whole, "Two players, two sides. One is light, and one is dark" quote for memory. But in my mind, even though I know they want us to take the bait and say that obviously this smoke/Locke monster is evil, I'm still voting that these aren't necessarily sides of light and dark. All I'm saying for now is that they are merely sides.

The growing theme of this show has been taking sides. What's amazing to me is that the show's pacing has been marvelous about the whole process. There are still people who are on the fence! Ben is sorry for killing Locke, but hasn't shown much remorse for killing Jacob. Kate wants to reunite Claire with Aaron, but isn't in the game for "choosing sides", I don't think. Jin and Sun are both seemingly a part of Camp Jacob, but I don't think they've committed to fighting for him. Their only interest is being reunited with each other. And Sawyer...where was he this episode? Although I think he is on Smoke/Locke's side, I don't think he cares about defeating any of the opposition. He just wants to GTFO. And I don't blame him. The Island has put him through a lot. Still, I find it odd that his part in this growing Smoke vs. Jake conflict hasn't been addressed.

It's probably just because the meat of this episode was focused solely on Sayid. Which is GREAT. Even the flash sideways tapped into the things that make Sayid great - and the parts of Sayid that we didn't know existed. Like his new "family first" attitude. And his new "I don't deserve Nadiya" credo. Even though he carries a picture of her in his wallet still? ANYWAYS, he comes to Los Angeles to visit his bro, who is married to Nadiya, and has a couple kids. Sayid is of course the cool Uncle and gets the kids a boomerang from Australia (a typical tourist buy). The kids are like, "We want you to be our new daddy." Nadiya's like "I want you to be babies' daddy." CREEPY. He won't have any of it. After a crazy boomerang incident involving an obviously inexpensive piece of pottery from Target (a typical childhood accident), Sayid explains to Nadiya that he's a bad, bad man, and that they can't be together. Why? No one knows. Apparently love is reserved for people who haven't tortured men ceaselessly in the time of war. And that disqualifies lots of men, I'm sure. Oh and they probably can't be together because, you know, SHE'S MARRIED.

While this is going on, Sayid's bro is having financial issues with the mob. They loaned him money, he paid them back, they want more money, if you give a mouse a cookie, etc. Sayid also wants no part his brother's escapades, but for whatever reason the mob tracks him down and invites him for lunch. Breakfast for lunch, in fact, with the dude who shot Alex back on the island (insert WTF moment). They discuss his brother's finances and then BLAMO Sayid shoots 'em all. And then he finds Jin locked in the freezer. No speak English (insert another WTF moment).

Back in Island Times Sayid is demanding answers from Dogen. Dogen detests answers. He thinks that Sayid is better off dead. So they fight, and what a fight it is! Opening segment pwned! Dogen almost kills Sayid, but when the baseball falls off his desk, he's reminded of something and stays his hand. BAD MOVE NUMBER ONE. So then he tells Sayid to "get out ma' house", so Sayid starts to leave. Well then CRAZY LITTLE(TON) SHIT comes in and tells them they need to send someone to talk with "you know who". So then Dogen accosts Sayid yet again to go and talk to "him". He tells Sayid to go meet with him, and to kill him by thrusting the Dagger of Time into his chest before he can speak. BAD MOVE NUMBER TWO. Smoke/Locke orders Sayid to deliver a message, with the promise that he would be reunited with the love of his life, Nadiya. That message remains unclear until Sayid returns to the Temple to tell everyone who doesn't leave and join Locke that they will surely die.

Meanwhile, Kate returns to the temple and discovers that Claire has been taken into captivity after delivering her message to Dogen. She informs Claire that she's there to rescue her (I'm Kate Austen, I'm here to rescue you!) and reunite her with Aaron. Then Claire's like creepo singing lullabies and saying, "I'm not the one who needs saving." It's all very 90s alternate rock band of her to say, but either way Claire's obviously not going anywhere.

While everyone's packing up to leave, it's getting close to sundown, and Sayid and Dogen are talking in the pool room. Dogen reveals that he was once a business man, and that the baseball he carries around is from his son, who he killed while driving drunk. He says that Jacob brought him to the island with the promise of bringing back his son in return for his service. "Hard bargain," notes Sayid. Dogen asks if Smoke/Locke offered a similar bargain, and Sayid's like, "Bro! Of course he did." Then when Dogen asks if Sayid will stay, Sayid wigs out and WTF drowns the DUI murderer in epic fashion. Then the fifth Beatle walks in and is all, "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?"

Long story short, Smoke/Locke is able to get into the temple once Dogen is dead, and he kills everyone. Our heroes narrowly escape, aided by the beach folk, fresh from their funeral service. Ben tries to go back for Sayid, who claims to be beyond saving. Kate tries to go back for Claire again, but winds up joining her in captivity momentarily, only to go up with her, Sayid, Smoke/Locke and his band of merry men. Miles does his usual gig of mitigating main characters towards one another, and runs like a bat out of hell from the Smoke Monster's raging slaughter.

It was a very typical Lost episode, but uncharacteristically pesemistic and violent. Overall, I thought the episode was great, but it has a very dark tone to it. Of course, this is to make sure everybody thinks of Smoke/Locke is evil. And I mean, going around killing just about everyone in his path definitely seems evil. But like I said, this is a war between factions, and I'm just not sure that it's all about light and dark. Both sides exist within us at all times; warring for our allegience. Sayid may be on the "dark side" now, but something tells me this battle for our characters isn't over. 10 more weeks to answer all our questions, Lost writers! Hop to it!