Between the Buried and Me - The Silent Circus

In the days of my youth, I was not impervious to the influence of my friends. As such, if they were listening to crap, I was probably listening to crap too. Most of the music rolled off as soon as it hit me; this facetious bombardment of new wave metal -- known more commonly amongst my peers as "hardcore". I toyed with this sort of music for several years, trying to find more than mere amusement at the expense of these overzealous, out of control hipsters prancing about on stage taking themselves way too seriously. Yet every band I encountered from A to Zao seemed the same: pretentious, overbearing, loud, and unoriginal.

Between the Buried and Me is almost no different. I say almost because, unlike every other hardcore metal band, they managed to leave a lasting impact on me. So much so that years after listening to The Silent Circus, I can still turn it on, crank the volume, and indulge. Sure, there are other bands like them that I can still revisit, but most are rather laugh inducing. The Silent Circus is a record I can take seriously, but only because the band who made the record isn't taking themselves too seriously.

With songs titled things like "Ad A Dglgmut" (which I take is total gibberish) and "Destructo Spin", it's obvious that the band is just straight up having fun with themselves. There are passages of music that are almost "WTF" inducing as time signatures shift all across the board in merely 30 seconds. It's a head-spinning display of technicality that serves almost no one but themselves. And of course, let's not forget the secret track, which is probably both the funniest and most ingenious parody of anything metal that I've heard this century. And come on, a SECRET TRACK? Who does that? That is so Christian ska band. I remember the first time I listened to the album front to back I was doing something else (playing Tribes 2, probably) when this song cranked in out of nowhere. I remember landing on the floor laughing my ass off at just the idea of it. What was this scream-laden heavy metal band doing in secret track land?

Then there are passages of overt melancholy like "Reaction" and "(Shevanel, Take 2)" that are almost so groan-core that you wind up missing the adrenaline sack-tap that is the rest of the record. I think they might be mocking bands that write songs to raise your lighter to, but it so closely boarders genuine that it's really hard to tell. Either way, lyrics like "My head will not rest on this pillow" -- crooned over lightly strumming acoustic guitars -- are absolutely hilarious. This midway repose is, thankfully, only two and a half tracks long, and then the madness fires back up again as if it were never gone.

The madness, however, is a bit more than simple guitar chugging in Drop-D. There's enough powerful guitar solos and melodic shifts involved to qualify it as actual music. That doesn't necessarily mean it looses the ridiculous qualities of most hardcore music. There are still plenty of breakdowns for the dance happy, and there are still completely ludicrous drum passages that only a subhuman could accomplish. Songs like "Coulrophobia" and "Mordecai" are almost ethereal in velocity and volume, and "Aesthetic" has one of the best breakdowns I can probably think of.

If you're not into the whole metal/hardcore scene, this record -- or really any record of the genre -- is going to be hard to recommend. But for the curious, I would say that metal aint gonna' get much better than The Silent Circus. It has everything a metal album should have -- including moments that occasionally give me the giggles.

Random Nothings:

- According to the Wikipedia entry, the secret track is called "The Man Land".
- The grunting during the breakdown of "Aesthetic" becomes increasingly fun to imitate each time I try.
- The reissue has a live DVD of them performing included. Thrash mobs abound I'm sure.

Animal Collective - Feels + Fall Be Kind EP

I'm a little late on the Animal Collective bandwagon. That sentence was like a pun and three-fifths, I think. Anyways, hearing Merriweather Post Pavilion was my first experience with the band, and I was thoroughly impressed. I'm not sure it deserves quite the accolades it has gotten from some of my more esteemed peers, but it did make me want to explore their previous recordings. I struggled through Sung Tongs, but at least I can say I gave it a chance. I think perhaps had I grown into Animal Collective as they released these records it might have been different, but who's to say. Strawberry Jam was fun - sharp, edgy, transcending fun - but it leaned a bit more towards the MPP sound they would create later. Whereas Feels...Feels is a bit different. Feels makes you believe that this is a band that could do anything, and odds are they'll try.

The album is positively wet with luscious sound to the point where it almost transcends the feelings music usually leaves us with. It buzzes and hums like electrical sparks in water puddles. It moves -- if it's possible for music to physically move -- with life and color that so few albums can seem to achieve. The delivery goes from coarse and overt to smooth and subtle, constantly shifting through organic and artificial textures. The music personifies even further as it doesn't tender to wait on us to listen. It pushes forward, holsters our attention, and then retreats into self reflection. It literally feels as though it is a living, breathing thing with a personality and feelings. Something about that heightens the stakes of the album and makes you actually care about the music.

This is something that has been severely lacking in the music world. Sure I'm listening to your record, and I enjoy the hooks and the musical grandeur, but why should I care? Should I care because you ask me to? Should I care because you're the latest and greatest up-and-coming indie band and you have a killer merch table? Lucky for Animal Collective, they are one of the greatest up-and-coming indie bands around, but that's probably for a reason. They make music that's worth caring about. It's obvious they put their hearts and souls into the music because the music itself has a heart and soul. It's not a perfect creation, but then what living today is perfect? If anything, it makes the experience all the more real, and you can almost imagine the music being crafted by three mad scientists in lab coats (and if you've seen Animal Collective live, it aint far from the truth).

I will admit, this isn't exactly an instantly accessible record -- especially if you haven't heard any of the bands' other material. But I think that if you open your mind and your heart to it, and really take it in, Feels has the potential to be a truly wonderful experience for the listener. I mean if nothing else at least it's not some obnoxious Lady Gaga song about muffin tops or whatever.

Now on to the Fall Be Kind EP -- I have a tendency to do this thing where I burn a CD, and since there's just so much space left on most discs, I like to *squeeze* an EP on there to fill the void. And what better mash than Feels + Fall Be Kind EP? It is quite a good combination. If you listen to them back to back, you'd be surprised how well they mesh together. I've even been fooled into thinking there was a sixth song on Fall Be Kind only to realize it was just "Did You See the Words" on my iTunes playlist.

Anyways, the Fall Be Kind EP has so much to offer in such a short amount of time. It makes you wish that this were a full album. Well, what you really wish is that there were a full album release coinciding with this EP. Something I can't stand is when bands make EPs that have nothing more than a few songs from their upcoming album and a few remixes or something. AC is smart here and gives us songs that fit together as cohesively as an album, only shorter. And I doubt that any of these tracks are going to be remixed or rebirthed on Untitled Animal Collective Album (TBA). Which is, needless to say, comforting; realizing that this is a work all its own allows us to treat it as such, and not *just* a smash-in tag-along to Feels, MPP, or Strawberry Jam.

Not that the album necessarily covers more ground than any of the albums. I think more than anything it's a supplementary work to add depth to their already existent catalog. This added depth doesn't just benefit the hardcore fans either. I think anyone new to Animal Collective could easily grab this EP as a starter and immediately know what they're in for. Besides, isn't that the whole point of EPs -- a quick release that gives people an affordable way to give the music a try? Plus with tracks like "Graze" and "Bleed", what a magnificent way to start the Animal Collective journey. You get a really good variety of moods and tones from a very small amount of songs, and yet it still blends and runs together brilliantly. I may be getting ahead of myself, but for my money AC is the best band out there to make their music so deliberately for the benefit of the listener without diminishing upon their craft.

Party Down - Willow Canyon Homeowners Annual Party

Party Down has been cancelled. The show is over. Adam Scott has moved on to Parks and Recreation. Jane Lynch is wrapped up in Glee. There are immensely bigger shows for these actors to move on to. But are they better? I have no idea. What I plan on doing here is finding out what Party Down is worth compared to what I know of these other shows. And while the Starz network isn't really in people's cable heavy rotation, it is heavily carried by Netflix -- affording me the opportunity to watch through both seasons of this very short-lived, summer-filler-type show.

The pilot episode really does a wonderful job setting the tone for what this show is going to be about: Ken Marino is the typical overachieving boss, Ron Donald. He manages a team from the "Party Down" party and catering service. He and his employees dress in "crisp" white button-downs with bright pink bow ties. It's obvious from the first scene that he tries too hard, but also means well. His employees are struggling Hollywood wanna-bes. Adam Scott plays Henry, who is back from an eight year hiatus, after his one hit wonder acting career floundered. Kyle is an actor looking for his big break. Roman is a screenwriter who writes "hard science fiction". Casey is a burgeoning comedian whose marriage is faltering due to her desire to pursue big auditions. Constance is...well, Jane Lynch working for a party and catering service.

The party they've been hired to put on is being thrown by the Willow Canyon Homeowners Association. While the hosts are obviously having marital troubles and are in no mood to host such a function, the Party Down crew blindly try to lift spirits; not out of sympathy, but because it is their job. Ron is out for a winning comment card. Henry is out to impress Casey, who can't even remember his name, but does remember him as being "that guy from the thing". Constance is just one of those ignorant rays of sunshine who brings optimism where optimism should never be brought. She may know the score between the hosting couple, but she obviously chooses to ignore it and keep a smiling face through it all.

One of the strengths of this show is its realism. While some of the events at the party aren't entirely realistic, the mood of the party drastically shifts as the night progresses, going from a normal, well-to-do Homeowners Association get-together into a total train wreck of alcohol-induced shenanigans and hook-ups. The entertainment is boring, and the drinks are kept to a minimum, which does no favors for the guests or hosts. Henry accidentally inspires Gordon, the male host played here by Enrico Colantoni, to go for his dreams. He in turn jumps naked into the family swimming pool, shouting about "ordinary fucking people" (as Roman notes several times throughout the episode, this is a reference to Repo Man). The feud between man and spouse also becomes apparent when Gordon's wife proclaims, "No one wants to see your penis, Gordon. No one."

Meanwhile Kyle and Roman have a feud of their own as Roman fakes a casting call from a director Kyle just auditioned for. Constance plays along, but probably more for her own personal amusement than to insure Roman's prank succeeds. In the end, Kyle winds up with a shaved eyebrow and a thirst for vengeance.

Casey's husband shows up to the party, fueling the fires of tension growing in their marriage. A break-up is almost inevitable to heighten romantic tension between Casey and Henry, but no break-up takes place this episode. It's funny to me though that at one point in the episode, Casey is leaving forever, and then in the next breath she's sticking around. It kind of points her out as either flaky or very impulsive. Or it's just the writers trying to screw with us. If it is just that, I hereby put these writers on notice, because that is one really weak moment of dialogue in an otherwise flawless episode.

A flawless episode that also happens to be freakin' hilarious. The funniest moment is probably the end, after the credits start to roll, of Henry delivering the one and only moment of glory from his acting career -- a catch phrase from a beer commercial. "Are WE having FUN YET?!" he says in character, as a sexually voracious woman from the party is giving him a *hand* in the front seat of his car. There are many other funny gags, especially those that involve Constance trying to liven the mood. I expect this show's humor is right up my alley, and I think that any working class stiff would probably agree with me. Expect more reviews of Season 1 and Season 2 in the coming weeks as I get time to watch more episodes.

The Mountain Goats - We Shall All Be Healed

While perusing the Pop/Rock section at the library, I fiddled my fingers past a great multitude of generic, bland, and oldie records. Along the way I ran past Yellow House by Grizzly Bear, Made in the Dark by Hot Chip, and Sound of Silver by LCD Soundsystem. I thought how odd it was that a mere three years ago I would have thought nothing more of these gems than any of the drab fair of no-names that the lovely Mid-Continent Public Library carries. Now those wonderful diamonds in the rough are what I would consider "heavy rotation". So I decided awhile ago that while the library may carry an overwhelming amount of duds, it's stock of indie rock does occasionally wax brilliant (and, oddly, this includes my contribution of Iron & Wine's Our Endless Numbered Days that I accidentally double-stacked with Beck's Mutations). So when I ran into We Shall All Be Healed by The Mountain Goats, a band I had heard many a good thing about from friends and blogs, I thought, "OK, what the hell."

While I wouldn't go so far as to call the record a "gem", I wouldn't say that the experience of hearing it was a total loss either. There were occasional moments of bliss, but getting to these moments took a great deal of wading through generally uninspired music. The lyrics in the opening two songs are powerful, but the music itself is just bland. The next few songs show great promise, and could be something for a brilliant record to build around, but then the record just reverts back to that banal acoustic guitar chugging. It's not bad music, and a good deal of it is rather catchy, but there's just not much new or fresh about the record to keep me interested.

The lyrical content sounds to me very autobiographical, but at what point does an artist stop and ask, "Are my lyrical themes overbearing what I want to say musically?" There's a whole world of communication available through just the music, and here it appears that John Darnielle has simply chosen to ignore it in favor of his lyrics. And while this may be an okay idea in theory, you'd better be damn sure what you want to say lyrically is actually captivating.

Not that Darnielle's teenage life and times of druggie friends isn't interesting and all. It's just not enough to carry an album's length of time. Some of the rhymes also seemed kind of forced, and again, if the subject matter were just a little bit deeper, I would've felt okay with a few forced rhymes. I mean, artists besides The Mountain Goats have done great things when they focused on lyrics a little heavier than the music. Take for example Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, or mewithoutYou's Catch For Us the Foxes, in which both Jeff Mangum and Aaron Weiss prove that sometimes ideas don't really necessitate gaudy musical numbers or orchestration.

Darnielle's ideas don't necessarily need that either. What he needs is just some good old fashioned musical variety for crying out loud. I have only a basic grasp on The Mountain Goats' discography, but if I were to base an opinion of them around this album alone, I'd say that they're just your average indie band; another fold in an ever-increasing number of sub-par bands that could've been so much more. And I guess that's what I take away most from We Shall All Be Healed: the potential for something greater. Perhaps further investigation of their discography will prove fruitful, but after this experience, that may prove a little difficult for me.

Lost is Over: The End is Here

Well, I only covered a season of this wonderful, sometimes frustrating, sometimes spellbinding show, and now it's over. While I feel rather bittersweet, it is but a television show, and life will continue on as usual. But like a friend leaving town, or the parting of souls, it will always be the good times that I remember most, and the journey that we took together. And what a long, strange trip it's been.

While Lost isn't exactly as valuable to me as my good friendships, the show and I have a bit of a history. It was my freshman year of college, and I was home from school for my Thanksgiving leave. Since I didn't really have any plans, or anyone to see, I decided that I was going to do absolutely nothing with myself besides sit on the couch and vegge out for the entirety of the break. My first day of vegging, since my parents didn't have cable, was looking to be rather boring. But in the morning of that first day, sitting on my parents' coffee table, was a pristine copy of Season 1 of Lost. I had heard of the show before, and seen bits and pieces of the pilot, but hadn't followed it in any detail. So I decided that Season 1 of Lost would be my friend for the break. The day before I left back for school, John and Jack had already opened the hatch, leaving my absolutely breathless and craving more.

The next summer, after the conclusion of Season 2 on TV, I decided that I would purchase it on iTunes so I could watch it and catch up for the season 3 premiere after the summer. I watched episodes much more sparingly over the summer, chugging out about 2-3 episodes a week, sometimes en masse. Since I had all summer to cover everything, I wanted to stretch it out so that I could have a very brief gap between the end of Season 2 and Season 3. And so it was, that on a trip to Memphis, Tennessee, on my trusty, shiny new video iPod, I watched the final 4 episodes of Season 2. I still to this day have not see any of Season 2 on a television quality or sized screen.

Then came Season 3. I began watching it with some of my friends on campus every Wednesday. It became a fast tradition for me because I realized how fun it was to watch the show with other people. Then, I got to join in on Thursday discussions with fans of the show. That thrilled me to no end. Not only do I enjoy talking about TV shows with other people, I love talking about shows that I think matter. So it went for the entirety of Season 3, and so the season ended with the death of many an Other and the beginning of John Locke's ascent to the throne of Other's Leader.

Season 4 was a bit of a oddball season for me. Not only do I not recall many of the circumstances in which I viewed the season, but I also don't even remember that well what all transpired on the show. I thought it was a strong season when I watched it, but in retrospect perhaps this was the weakest season. It was fairly short (a paltry 14 episodes if memory serves me), so perhaps that's why I don't remember it very well. What I do remember is the return of Michael, how Desmond needs a constant, and that six people make it off the island...only to HAVE TO GO BACK!

Then Season 5 started, and I think at this point some of the viewers started abandoning ship, because our heroes began travelling through time. I, however, found this subplot fascinating as it allowed our heroes to see the origins of the Dharma Initiative first hand. The roots of Ben and Charles' need for island dominance was explained a little better, and of course, we had the mysterious return of a not dead John Locke, who we later found out was not John Locke.

Finally, we wound up at Season 6, which introduced a new method of storytelling known forever now as the "flash-sideways". This alternate universe was what would've happened to the island members had the plane not crashed on the island. As events on the island began to come to a head, people in the alternate universe began to realize that their world wasn't exactly what it seemed. As the finale proved, this alternate universe was anything but what we all expected.

So, there was the finale. We gathered in my parents' house, and something about watching the finale where my journey through this show started seemed so surreal. Pizza, Code Red, friends and family all around; as Hurley said, "Feels like old times." And the finale really did feel a lot like Lost of old. As it drew to a close, I felt that "missing it" feeling creep up and I almost cried. The End was exciting, moving, revealing, and all-around a strong finish to a fantastic series. Was it the best it could have possibly been? I'm not really sure. There was a lot of mythology left unanswered and unexplained, but what other time did they have? The important thing left when all is said and done is the characters. The human element will always win out over mysteries needing explained. And I'm pretty content with that.

A lot of people felt that the alternate universe being a purgatory-esque place was a cop-out, but by that logic what wouldn't have been a cop-out? They magically transport back to the island somehow and everyone lives? More over, would any other ending have really worked? They could have ended it differently if they'd had another season maybe. My gut reaction to The End was mild disappointment at first, but after soaking it in and really chewing on it for awhile (I was up for hours afterwards), it felt perfect.

I'll compare it to the end of the Lord of the Rings: After the ring is destroyed, and everyone goes back to their normal lives, what then? The narrative is over, and the main characters have to "move on" from the most important event of their lives. What else is left to tell? They all go back to Hobbiton, save it from Sauroman, Frodo leaves, Sam has kids THE END. I mean what the hell is boating "Into the West" supposed to signify? And no, Lost is no LotR, but the narrative shares similarities. Lord of the Rings was high fantasy with an obvious goal in mind: destroy the ring. Lost was a high fantasy with a not-so-obvious goal: a mix of leave the island, or discover its mysteries, or save the world. Both stories were steeped in lore and magic. But in the end, what were both about? Character. Courage. Good vs. evil. People finding their purpose. Dominic Monaghan, probably also.

Like Lord of the Rings, Lost will always have more it could have told. But no one can argue that it was gripping television from start to finish. It was riveting, touching, gut-wrenching at times, and completely surreal. It was everything a television show was supposed to be and more. As far as dramas go, I would rank it up there with the best of the best. It was a cultural phenomenon.

I cannot wait to watch it all over again.

Lost is On: We're Gonna' Need a Bigger Finale

Okay so, What They Died For was a hugely supplemental episode, in that it supplemented last week by further delving into Jacob's "mistake" of the week previous. It also helps to supplement the finale, by setting us up with big implications (Smoke/Locke doesn't just want to leave, he wants to blow up the island). We saw the deaths (or possible death) of three characters in no time flat, and we saw Jacob passing the grail of protection down to Jack. Things were moving and shaking in the alternate universe as well, as the characters are finally coming together. We're very close to the end, here Hugo, and things are starting to get crazy.

First of all, what's the deal with Ben? Was it not like four or five episodes ago that he was swearing off helping the Smoke Monster? Now he's all "Let's go kill more people" after blowing Charles Widmore to kingdom come. And Richard, who I hope to God is not dead, got launched by the Smoke Monster just minutes before. I expect that if he has to die, they'll at least find him in the jungle and give him a proper, emotional death. I doubt they'd just kill him so hastily without any proper warning, especially after devoting an entire episode to his back-story. Part of me thinks that Richard should die though. It would be a final reprieve from being "Island Advisor"; a reprieve I'm almost certain he would like to have.

Where's Miles going? What part does he have left to play? I'd like to think he still has one, and that he's not just a loose string in the fabric of this narrative; the one character they forgot to kill off once he became useless. But who knows? Maybe his role is more than just main character mitigation. He is, after all, the Dharma Initiative leader's only son. Miles has always been a bit of a mystery to me. Of the team of "experts" sent to the Island by Widmore, he's the only one remaining, even counting Widmore himself. So since he's still alive, wandering through the jungle, he's got to have a part to play in the finale.

Meanwhile, Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley are walking through the jungle boiling for Smoke/Locke's blood. Then Hurley runs into little Jacob, who later leads him to big Jacob. He tells Hugo to gather them all up, because he's going to have a Q&A session with the remaining candidates. While this Q&A answered a lot of nagging questions, like why Kate's name was crossed out, it felt a little too short lived for me. Not that I expected more questions to be answered; it all just felt a little rushed. Not that I blame them for doing it that way. They have a lot of show left to cover, so they might as well put Jack in charge now since we all knew that was going to happen anyways.

The alternate universe came to a head as well, as all of the characters found their ways together through Desmond. He sprung Kate and Sayid out of the slammer via Ana Lucia (nice cameo, b-t-dubs), beat the living crap out of Ben, and through this "message" delivered to Ben, got Locke to visit Jack again. There are still many questions I have as to how the alternate universe is going to shape the real universe. The two will interweave somehow, but only the finale is going to be able to answer how for me. I know a lot of theories are out there, but as I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of speculation. I like to just let this show do its thing and let me soak it in. It's way more fun that way.

As for this finale event of the decade (it's seriously being marketed that way), I hope it's everything we all want it to be. I'm thinking that the last 10 minutes are going to be the most important minutes of the entire series. If they can execute those last few scenes well, then the show is a success, whether or not they answer every question. It's going to be a jaw-dropper either way, I'm sure. They've just built this show up to need that sort of a finale.

I'm going to be posting my thoughts not only on the finale, but also the whole of the series sometime after the finale is over. I'm not really sure when that will be done, because I'm hoping to go into some serious detail: exploring major themes, postulating on any remaining mysteries, character studies, etc. I love this show, and I hate to see it go, so I'm going to spend a good deal of time in order to dive deeper in. Maybe I'll see more of the big picture that way. In any case, Sunday is the day we've all been waiting for, so I hope everyone can kick back, relax and enjoy the show.

See you after The End...

All the Real Girls - Starring Paul Schneider, Zooey Deschanel, Directed by David Gorden Green [8.4]

This movie was not, at all, what I was expecting it would be. Of course, I didn't really know a whole lot about it going in either. But from scene one to scene twenty-whatever, All the Real Girls kept catching me completely off-guard. It's not a perfect movie. In fact, it's not even close to perfect. Sometimes its flaws were as apparent as its more beautiful moments, and sometimes they seemed to walk hand-in-hand. But, this film is too intimate, realistic, funny, and downright honest, for these flaws to seem anything other than human.

I felt a sort of ghost empathy to the main characters, because they lead lives I felt I could have led. Paul and Noel fumble through conversations and dabble with simple affections like any young couple would. They pace their conversations at a normal, human pace. This is not a usual practice in movies - especially romances. Movies have made us to think we must be eloquent poets and perform over-the-top gestures to woo potential significant others. This movie proves that real life isn't like that at all. Real couples don't just spew out perfectly paced expressions of how they feel to each other all the time. They have to sit and think quietly, they say things they don't mean, and expect things left unsaid. Paul and Noel go through all of these things, all the while relenting that they cannot simply read each others' minds. If only things were so simple.

Much of the plot is lost in such ambiguity. While we understand that Paul has been sexually experienced with every girl in town besides Noel, we never really delve too deep as to why he chose to behave that way. Perhaps not even he really knows why. We also kind of get to know Paul's family, but not a whole lot of it is very well understood. We see that his mother is a widower, or perhaps a divorcé, but her character doesn't get much of chance to develop. We meet Paul's probably adopted niece Feng Shui, but like so many characters we don't really get to know her well.

Paul and Noel's chemistry goes from simple and subtle to electric in seconds. Their relationship hits notes both high and low throughout the film. It feels real. These are the kind of screen romances that I really enjoy watching, because we as an audience get to feel both the highs and lows as they really happen. And in real time. So much of their affection is felt in real time, which is rare in most movies, and yet that is how real life always plays out. It doesn't feel overly fantastic, or overly depressing. Everything that Paul and Noel go through is not beyond the reaches of any normal human, both physically and emotionally. None of us are beyond that kind of a connection. That makes everything they do, from laying in a blanket tent to kissing in a hot tub, seem completely real and beautiful.

There's also so much real, human emotion to be had apart from their relationship. Phrases like, "If anyone smiles at me ever again, I'm going to freak out." are diamonds of dialogue sprinkled throughout the film. Quips of obviously improvised dialogue also fly from start to finish. Quirky little sequences take place as well, like Paul racing a fleet of drag cars in his run-down Yugo which he calls his "truck". And Paul dancing in the bowling alley behind Noel is absolutely priceless. It's little scenes like these that give the film such a distinct humor.

The film doesn't so much end as it does part ways with the audience, leaving us to believe that these characters will continue on with their lives. What happens to them is left for the viewer to decide, mostly because none of the characters have decided where they're going yet either. This "ending" could be considered "happy", but we are almost certain that it's much more complicated than that. Isn't real life just as complicated anyways? Do we ever go through a period of our lives that seemingly "ends", or that we can say was completely "happy" or completely "sad"? Nothing is so simple as that, and All the Real Girls seems to be an exploration of that fact. While flawed, the film does what it set out to do, and with the kind of flare and humor rarely seen in modern film.

NFL Football 101: Run Up the Field, Score Touchdowns, Break Several Laws...PROFIT

Football season is just a few months away, which is a major check mark in the WIN column of my life. I am a huge fan of football. Of course, I have to root for my home town Chiefs, even though I know they'll be light years away from Super Bowl victory for yet another season. Winning the Super Bowl is serious business though, folks, and being a nationally recognized "good team" is even harder. The Chiefs of recent years have not been either. Although this pretty much blows for the die hard fans, it's actually quite a comfortable place for a rebuilding sports organization; one that prides itself in excellence of character and considers itself a cornerstone of sports history. This is why I like the Chiefs. No matter how agonizing a defeat is, they're always willing to dust off their cleats and start new next Sunday. That's the kind of football I like to see. The kind of football that's about character of heart, and at least seemingly not so much about the money or the talent.

While this may sound like a perfect formula for a morally ethical franchise, it isn't exactly a great formula for winning in the NFL. Being a contender in any professional sport involves inflated egos and raw talent over excellence of character almost nine times out of ten. Rarely, an extremely talented and versatile player is also a locker room leader and supporter, but this happens almost never in the modern era. Then there are the problem children, who while extremely talented on the field, are borderline retarded off the field.

Ben Roethlesberger is a perfect example. I personally believe that he's one of the most talented players to ever play quarterback, but I also think that he's a major douche and a moron. He has uncanny, natural ability to maneuver in the pocket and make split second decisions, but he also molests women. How can the NFL look past that? Well, like I said, he wins games. He's a gold mine and can sell overpriced jerseys for a legendary football team. He's the face of an organization. While his image is forever tainted by these accusations of something horrible that he's almost certainly guilty of, people can still look past his wrongs.

Look at Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. The dude cheated at the game of baseball. He took steroids, lied about it, then later admitted it. Does he still play for the Yankees? Hell yes he does. He's one of the best in the game. And as we all know, the path to Cooperstown cuts right through the house that Ruth built. Will he be inducted into the Hall of Fame? I don't know. Maybe. But that doesn't really matter. He still plays a game that everyone knows he cheated at. How is that okay? In the eyes of the organization, anything is permissible if it means more money.

And I'm not saying that my precious Chiefs are even above that. They held onto Larry Johnson until he was useless as both a football player and as locker room resident. It took a public racial slur, a fan uprising, and poor execution on the field for them to finally pull the plug. Notice that without the latter of these reasons, the two former reasons for cutting LJ wouldn't have held water to the organization. While that doesn't make their decision wrong, it certainly speaks to the importance of talent to football teams. Some teams will cling to it no matter how awfully a player behaves off the field. And keeping LJ for as long as the Chiefs did was motivated by pure desperation. My belief, however, is that desperation should never motivate a team to keep anyone -- no matter how talented -- in the face of scandal. A team is almost always better off without a thorn in their side. Especially a thorn as big and whiny as Larry Johnson.

It seems as though these scandals taking place off the field have begun to escalate, and in some cases even worsen. Last year's loss of Chris Henry was particularly devastating. Then of course there was the Roethlesberger fiasco. The Michael Vick dogfighting ring incident was especially sickening. Adam "Pacman" Jones is still in hot water. Plaxico Burress is still in prison. A defensive legend, Lawrence Taylor, was recently outed as a sex offender.

Even with all of these seemingly mounting scandals, teams still continue to draft players with questionable character in exchange for their ability to leave jockstraps scattered on the AstroTurf. Because hey, the better the team, the better the profit. The bigger the scandal, the bigger the publicity. It makes me sick sometimes just thinking about the avarice, and yet I cannot help but be excited about the game I love. I prefer to think that this is only human of me. After all, we live to see ferocious competition between the greatest of the greats. Are we really so different than the Romans? Do we turn a blind eye to the destruction and loss of lives in the name of sport? I think we do sometimes. But not every sports legend killed his wife, and not every team holds on to destructive people.

I'm glad at least for that. I love the game of football, and I wish that character overrided talent more often than not. But that doesn't sell tickets. Human joysticks sell tickets.

Lost is On: Am I My Brother's Keeper?

Lost is driving some serious themes here. Oddly, it was almost refreshing to step away from the normal timeline and watch some origin story unfold. Much like last month's trip down Richard Origin Lane "Ab Aeterno", this episode was a much needed repose from the ever heightening tension of our main story arch. Unlike "Ab Aeterno", however, "Across the Sea" does not tie in with relevant future events, aside of course from the revelation as to who Adam and Eve are. Even that still seems a little odd, and like most of the episode, it's an obvious answer with unclear reasoning or explanation.

So rather than trudge through a usual episode recap, I'm just going to hit all the major points with a good old Q&A session. The questions I asked myself during the episode, and the answers I best came up with after some deep contemplation. Here we go!

Q: What drove this "Mother" figure into murdering Jacob and Man in Black's real mother so hastily?

A: She lays out Jacob in his swaddling clothes. But then comes this other, nameless child. "Mother" lays out "Nameless", and suddenly something hits her. Either she saw something in this "Nameless" child that was special, or it began to dawn on her that she needed these two children to carry out her lineage. The gears turn in her head, and she realizes that their real mother can't be a part of the equation, so she kills her.

Q: Why does Man in Black's real mother appear to him, but not to Jacob?

A: Man in Black's real mother explains this away with a simple, "Because, you are special." But I'm not so sure that's the entire story. Something tells me that Man in Black is being tempted by who he is about to become: the Smoke Monster manifesting itself as his dead mother, leading him down a path to where he would be turned against his "Mother" and eventually his brother until his brother disowns him and forces him "off the island".

My theory is this: When Man in Black is tossed into this golden light, his body dies - but his spirit is transformed. A "fate worse than death"; he becomes the epitome of evil. This is what the Smoke Monster wanted all along: a host. His goal is the same as Man in Black's goal because he convinced Man in Black that he wanted to leave the island. Then, perhaps the real goal of "Mother" was not to protect the "light", but to contain it and shield mankind from it. Jacob asks the question, "What's down there?" and his "Mother" replies "Life, death, rebirth, (etc., I'm paraphrasing)". So, basically I think that since Man in Black entered on hostile terms (Jacob threw his brother down the well, his brother didn't want to serve the island, etc. etc.), his soul came out corrupt and evil. And, like I said before, a host to the Smoke Monster. Or maybe I'm totally off-base. Either way, Man in Black wasn't always Smoke Monster, and now he is thanks to Jacob.

Q: How in the hell did "Mother" kill all those people and burn their village with no weapons, and in such a frail state? Moreover, why did she feel the need to kill them?

A:  As near as I can tell, she was harboring some super powers. Obviously she made it to where Jacob and Man in Black would live forever and not be able to hurt each other, so I wouldn't put it past her to blow some fools up Scanner-style. I also wouldn't put it past this show to dabble with the supernatural. So let's just assume that she popped all her cool-downs and wasted the suckers.

But why? Why if after Man in Black was so adamant about leaving the island? Surely she knew that he could do it with or without people to help him. So why waste human life? My guess is just to send a message to Man in Black. Maybe because she wanted him to kill her so that she would be free from the burden of Island Protector. This would certainly explain why "Mother" passed the chalice of protection down to Jacob, even though she clearly didn't want to.

Q: Who is this woman who bore Jacob and Man in Black? Where does she come from? And what time frame does all this take place?

A: I've already read theories as to her origin, and some have said that she is probably of Roman origin, possibly of Jewish decent as well (would explain naming her son Jacob). This would also explain the ability for a group of people to travel by water. Some have also postulated that the Island's local was somewhere in the Mediterranean at the time this story took place. It would explain a lot - her dark skin, the spoken Latin, and the almost Anglican-Barbarian-esque nature of her fellow shipmates. And her being named Claudia as well. Of course, I'm no expert on this subject, but this is the theory I've heard that I agree most with. The implications of this origin are beyond me, aside from the obvious assertion of Jacob and Man in Black's possible conception location that has relation to the divine. If they are Roman Empire in origin, that means they could come from the "Promised Land" area. But, again, this is just a theory.

Also, these boys do not have an established father. I'm not saying they were of immaculate conception, but this seems to be a running theme in this show - boys without a father.

Q: What the hell is Man in Black's actual name?

A: I don't think he has one. His real mother didn't have a name for him. She may not have even knew he was in there to begin with. Technology back then wasn't exactly able to tell something like that to an expectant mother. Jacob refers to him throughout the episode as "Brother". But, again, I think this is just because he doesn't have an actual name. I think up until now I was convinced that the show's creators were just hiding the name until the end for a big reveal. And they may still have a name for him. But for now, I don't think they really have any reason to keep something like that from us for so long. I mean, yeah, it'd be exciting if they did have a name for him, but after it's said, what else is left? People at home going, "OH MAN, his name is ESAU, I freakin' knew it!!"? I just can't see that happening at the end of the series.

This episode was a fun watch, and it was just as revealing as it was frustrating. Just when you felt like answers were coming, more questions start rapid firing. It's the kind of fun Lost loves to have, and I think that it will be happening even up until the finale. It's classic Lost. That being said, I cannot wait for the finale. I know that questions left unanswered kill some people, but honestly I think they're always the most fun. Besides, you can't end a show like this without leaving questions for people to postulate. What would the fun in that be? I hope I can find a party to share this finale with other Losties. I suggest that all my readers do the same.

See you all next week...the end is nigh.

Lost is On: I Wish You Believed Me

I hear there's rumors on the internets. I have been avoiding my usual Lost blogs like the plague. The reason? About a week ago, some script pages from the Season Finale leaked. While tempting, to be sure, I've put in years on this show. To give in to temptation would be as idiotic as a virgin having sex just weeks before their wedding. The end is nigh, so I will remain strong. Still more leaks have crept out, and I have read a few people who were disappointed because last night's episode was ruined for them as well. After watching last night, I can definitely understand their disappointment. So yeah, if you haven't watched the episode yet, don't continue reading this. Either way, these last few weeks are going to suck because I just want to talk about and read about what's going on with the show, and now I have to avoid the internet.

Well, ho-hum, what a fantastic episode you guys! I thought this was easily one of the best of the season. There is so much to digest here, but let's start with the flash-sideways to set the mood. We open with John Locke's face, and no "PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST..." to lead us in. Usually, this means that there's too much stuff to cover in this episode to recap anything, so get excited. Jack arrives to talk to John about his "accident" and how his "sac ruptured" (don't you just hate when that happens?). Jack also brings up the possibility of a surgical procedure that could, in theory, restore John's ability to walk. John's like, "No way, Jack-se", so Jack wants to know why he won't be helped.

This leads Jack on a mini-venture to talk to oral surgeon Dr. Nadler (aka BERNARD) about the accident that put John in a wheelchair. Of course, Bernard's all "Well, of course I remember what happened," or whatever. So Bernard sends Jack to talk with John's father, who is a crippled, dumb, and old guy (who sure plays a mean pinball) in an old folks home. So Jack confronts John again about his father as he's being checked out (don't you just hate it when the doctor brings up painful memories JUST as you're walking out the door? Geeze!). John relives for Jack what happened on that fateful day...which was a plane crash. He crashed his plane on its maiden voyage and put he and his father in a wheelchair forever (cue tiniest violin, Terry O'Quinn would like to thank the Academy). Basically, Jack says that John has to let go of what happened, because what "happened, happened", and hey, I can make you WALK AGAIN IDIOT. But, John refuses, and wheels away determined to get hit by another car.

MEANWHILE

Jack wakes up in a boat on Hydra Island while Sayid is cleaning a gun (I've seen this before, he thinks, perhaps). And for the tiniest moment, I'm afraid that Jack can't walk from the explosion laid on him last week. This turns out to not be true, because if Jack can't walk, neither can this plotline. So Smoke/Locke comes out of the woods and says that they have to spring the rest of the others free so they can escape on the plane. Jack says "I'll save my friends, and bid them farewell, but I will not leave this island." Smoke/Locke hopes Jack will change his mind, though he knows Jack won't. But for the time being, Jack does help the Smoke Monster free the others being held by Widmore. Later, Jack wonders out loud why they should trust Smoke/Locke, to which he replies, "Because I could kill you all, and there's nothing you could do to stop me." Wooooooo...I'm scaaaaarreed...

So they make their way to the plane, where Smoke/Locke discovers explosives in the plane (that he knew were there all along) and steals a dead guy's watch. Of course, all these things will come back into play very soon. After a brief word with his "followers", Smoke/Locke explains that they can't take the plane, because it's rigged to explode as soon as they turn the keys. So, now they have to take the sub. On the way, Sawyer tells Jack that staying's cool and all, but just help them escape by dunking Smokey in the water. So, when everybody's boarding the sub, Jack again explains that he aint leaving, and shoves Locke into the water in the name of John Locke. Widmore's people show up just in time to shoot Kate in the shoulder (a non-fatal wound, good Lord people learn how to shoot), so Jack has to follow Kate onto the sub to treat her. Sawyer is rushed into making the decision to dive hastily to keep Smokey out, and Jack unbeknowingly brings a now Smoke/Locke rigged C4 into the sub via his trusty backpack. Jack discovers this while hallucinating that his backpack is also a field medic kit.

Now comes probably one of the most brilliantly charged "bomb defusion" scenes I've seen in awhile. Jack realizes as the C4 clock ticks away that there's no way that Smoke/Locke can kill them, and that nothing is going to happen. The only way he can kill them is if they kill each other (i.e. attempt to diffuse the bomb and fail). Sawyer's like, "Grrr, grrr, I don't believe it," pulls some cords that Sayid said to pull, and the clock stops. But then, of course, the clock starts going again, only faster. Timex takes a licking but keeps on ticking. So, Sayid spews off instructions like he's reading script from the end of a car commercial, grabs the bomb, and halls-ass to the other side of the sub right as the bomb explodes. We all knew there was still good in Sayid, but good enough to die for the rest of them? CRAZY.

Hurley takes Kate out of the now sinking sub, and Jack grabs an unconcious Sawyer. Sun is pinned and she can't get out, so Jin decides that it'd be better to die with her than ever leave her again. So they stay together, hand in hand, and drown. Lapidus is, well we don't know what happens to Lapidus, but we do know he got beaned in the head by a large metal door, so he's probably dead too. And just like that, only Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley come to the shore alive. They all have a good cry when it all starts to hit them that three of their friends are dead. But they are alive. Smoke/Locke senses this (a presence he's not felt since...), and heads off into the jungle to "finish what he's started".

Finally, the show seems to be coming to head. We're getting a lot clearer idea of what is to come, I feel. Now all that remains unclear is what Ben, Richard, and Miles are up to, and when they'll come back to save the day somehow. We know that Smoke/Locke can't really kill the candidates, although it was his plan to try all along. I also get a sense that Jack and Smoke/Locke will have an epic dual, a clash of fates, towards the end of the series. This was inevitable, of course, because Jack and Locke have always been at odds with each other, only now that Locke isn't Locke at all, and Jack is starting to go Faith over Science, the tables have turned completely. 

I suppose also we need to find out what's going to happen in the alternate world. Will the other characters be back, perhaps? All the dead ones back to life? Perhaps. Although I must say, it would be kind of lame of them to toy with our emotions so much for no reason. Only time will tell...

See you all next week...

Lost is On: Turn of the Screw

The gears are turning. The board is set. The pieces are moving. This is the kind of Lost episode we find when the pot is slowly beginning to boil. It starts as a bubble. A little second glance in a mirror. The bubbles begin to appear more frequently; a gunshot wound, an explosion, a double-cross, an unspoken connection. The more of these that take form, the more violent the boil becomes. An episode like this is where things start to get crazy. Split second decisions are made and hands are forced. It's brutal, but somehow we can sense that it's only going to get worse. Not only are our characters reaching a breaking point, they're being changed in ways neither they or we could have expected, and maybe in ways we still cannot even see.

There were so many parallels going on in the real world and the alternate world that I can't even count. There were even more parallels drawn to previous seasons. We found out that Smoke/Locke was also Smoke/Christian earlier in the series. Then I suppose one could infer that he must've also been several dead people leading our characters astray. What we do know is that now Smoke/Locke cannot change forms. At least not into another human. So although I found it hard to believe last week that Michael was actually a "ghost of Island past", and not one of Smoke/Locke's minions, it must be true. So Jacob has obviously let go of the reins on his people and is letting them make their own decisions. But are they really their own decisions? Or is Smoke/Locke and Widmore forcing everyones' hands?

This battle between two opposing "big factions" is constantly dividing and changing our characters. Sayid seems questioning even of his own "absolute evil". Did he really kill Desmond? If he is absolutely evil, and feeling of no remorse, then he must have. But did you see the look in his eyes? Desmond's question to Sayid was brilliant: Does the end justify the means? That's a really good question. I'd pose that question to both Jacob and Smoke/Locke, who seem to get their kicks off manipulating both living people and dead people to prove who is superior or "right". In fact, one could attest that if it weren't for Smoke/Locke's everpresent "need" to get off the island, Sayid wouldn't even have to make a choice like that. But, if it weren't for Jacob, Sayid never would have come to the island in the first place. So really, what is this all about? Why these specific characters? And if several will wind up dead in the end, does the end justify the means?

I'd really like to know if the end of this show is going to live up to all the hype the show has created for it. I mean, I know we all want "answers", and slowly but surely we're getting them, but will we be satisfied with an answer to the eternal question of "Why?" Somehow I doubt that we would. Like great performance art, there is no why. One could ask the same question about real life and still come up with no real answers why. Is it ironic that the ficticious answer to the life, the universe and everything is...42? Of course not.

Ok, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't really want to know why. I just want to feel like my investment in this show has justified all this time I've spent with it. I know I've said all this before, and I must sound like a broken record, but I obviously love this show enough to write about it every week, so. I'm just going to pray for a decent ending. Even though I probably won't get one.

On a lighter note, I read a blog quote today by a user named Jakc's Beard. It read...

"WE HAVE TO GROW BACK!"

Man on Wire

I should have listened. I mean, I had heard about the story of Philippe Petit and his daring feats of wire walking before. I had read the reviews and heard all the accolades. I had even seen the cover, which should have instantly piqued my interest. But for whatever reason, my interest in the film never quite clicked until recently. Sometimes I think the hustle and bustle of life causes us to miss some of life's most subtle miracles, and I definitely think the story behind this documentary is one of the most beautiful, and perhaps the most tragic.

The story of Philippe Petit is one of a man with a passion; a dream that led him to attempt one of the most daring feats imaginable: to wire walk between the two towers of the World Trade Center. The courage it would take to accomplish this dream would mean so much more than just having the balls to wire walk 120 stories up. It would mean testing his relationships with everyone he knew, avoiding being caught by the authorities and overcoming the simple fear of failure. It's all very touching, but nothing saddened me more than knowing that these giant, towering artifacts that were so briefly tied together by this man's dream are now gone forever. Philippe didn't die on this glorious occasion - this glorious "coup" as they called it - but he did sacrifice his whole life just to reach his ultimate goal.

One of the most powerful voices of the film is Philippe himself. He spews like a madman retelling the story of some great legend of old, only that legend was actually him. He illuminates every minute detail of the event like it just happened. Obviously, this is the penultimate event in this man's life. He knows every detail by heart because he's relived it every day since it happened. You can feel his passion even through his broken English. It sounds every bit too good to be true. Until you see it happen. Even when you're looking at the pictures of him walking across this wire, it still seems like there's absolutely no way. That's what makes this story so extraordinary.

Petit gave everything he had to meet this glory and to revel in it. His girlfriend left him. His best friend ex-communicated him. Even some of the people helping him abandoned the dream midway through its execution. It was Philippe's greatest adventure, and with it came a completely new phase in his life. Once you've accomplished what you've set out to do, what is there left? Obviously, Philippe still walks across wires, but never will it resonate as it did then, when he lay amongst the clouds.

Lost is On: Captain Hugo

What a weird chain of events. Last week: CRAZY. This week: PERPLEXING. Division of loyalty! Love! Scandal! This season is turning into a doozy. Everybody loves Hugo alright, and everybody loves a good Hurley episode. But this one I thought was second rate for your average Hurley-focused episode. I'll give a pass because a lot was going on, and a lot was much more exciting than what was going on with Hugo in the alternate world. Hugo seems to me to be a character almost weakened by progress, much akin to if Dr. House were to suddenly grow-up and take less risks. If Hurley grows more into the position of leadership, we lose who the character used to be - fun loving, well spirited, and sort of just "along for the ride". Others may argue that this is good for Hurley, and I tended to agree, until now.

All this new responsibility and split factions is starting to make my head spin. Sawyer and Kate are in bed with Smoke/Locke, but they apparently aren't loyal. Staid is evil, but also merciful towards Zoe/Tina Fey? Sun and Jin are around, but they really just want to be together and go home. Richard and Co. just want the plane to blow up.. and stay out of their way! Jack and Hurley are learning to let go apparently and protect the island and each other by other means. And Desmond, well, Desmond is kind of an anomaly here. If all the characters of Lost were a deck of cards, he would be the Joker; the wild card mixed in with the Kings and Queens of the island. Jacob and El Smoke/Locke are of course the players of the game.

Desmond obviously is hiding something. To extend the card game references, he seems like the only character left (other than perhaps Jacob) with an Ace in the hole. That's good, because the mysteries of this show are beginning to dwindle. I mean, we still don't know how they're going to eventually meld the two alternate realities. And we also don't know who the hell the Kid in Rags is. Desmond seems though to be an on-going mystery throughout the series. How did he become the way that he is? Is he "The One"? If he's not "The One", then who is? Is it Jack? Hurley? None of the above? Is there even a "One" to begin with? Who is Smoke/Locke really? These are big questions remaining.

A couple mysteries were solved this week. One of them is "the whispers". I groaned when we were ham-handed an explanation via Hugo and Michael spelling it all out for us. I think we could've figured it out ourselves, but this show promised us answers, so I guess it feels like they have to explain them letter for letter? I don't know. I think I'm just a bigger fan of explaining by showing, rather than spelling it out so blatantly. Hugo has been like the Harbinger of explanation for the audience. I could probably pull up a reel of instances where Hurley has said what the audience has been thinking this season. It makes his dialogue more of an annoyance, and I'm used to Hurley's dialogue being just humorous and light-hearted. But again, this comes with the territory of gaining rank in the show. Maybe things will start to balance out next week, as both camps seem to be mostly merging.

God, this sounds way too much like a bad episode of Survivor. I'm wondering who they'll "vote off" next week. I guess I forgot to mention that Ilana evaporated into TNT ash quite randomly this week. Ben noted it odd that Jacob purposed all these things for Ilana, and there she goes, up in a puff of smoke. I agree with Ben here, it's extremely weird that they would introduce a new character this season only to kill her off so unexpectedly. And sure, she wasn't doing a whole lot, but come on. Give her the grace of facing off with the Smoke Monster and losing, or dying to save one the of the candidates. It seems very distasteful on the part of The Island. Very distasteful indeed.

Maybe people won't agree with me, and as hard as it is to write about a Hurley episode, I thought this was one of the weakest episodes of the season. The only saving grace for this episode was the twists and turns that we got to go through with Desmond. What is he hiding? Why did he run over John in the alternate universe? I'm going to ask Lost a series of questions, and I want them answered immediately!

Also if you didn't catch the end credits, there was a particularly spooky bit where they played the song from Willy Wonka where he sings in the tunnel. CREEPY, to say the very least about it. And yes, the danger must be growing because the rowers keep on rowing.

Dear John (Blockbuster)

Greetings, old friend.

It's been awhile. I've been thinking about all those good times we've had, like when my father would bring us over to play. We'd get such a kick out of renting Sega games, and playing them at home to our hearts' content... for three to five days. I remember how friendly you were about loaning us movies. "Not for too long!" you used to say. But we always understood. You liked to loan your movies and games to lots of people around the neighborhood. I'd hear from a friend that you had a movie that I wanted to see, and sometimes it'd already been loaned out to someone else. But that's okay. Eventually, you made us all a guarantee that you'd always have the movies we wanted to see. And even when you didn't, we always forgave you. After all, you were the only friend nice enough to do that for us. And with such a wide selection, both old and new.

You always asked us kindly to rewind our VHS tapes. We understood your reasoning for that too. No one likes to open a movie box and find the VHS tape at the end of the reel. Especially if someone borrowed Schindler's List or Ben Hur. After all, rewinding is the kind, reasonable thing to do with a VHS tape. Then along came DVDs, and rewinding became obsolete. We all rejoiced, until we found out that scratches could make your DVDs almost unwatchable. Our neighbors are our good friends, but boy are they irresponsible with your DVDs!

Soon, you told us that we could keep your movies for longer without worrying about the costs. This was great! It meant that we could keep a movie or a game for almost a month before you'd ask us to buy it from you. This was good for us, but not so good for you. We noticed that you almost never had the movies or games that we wanted, even after your famous guarantee! Were times just tough? Was economic strain causing you to buy less stuff? We thought maybe; even if at the time our economy was strong. 

I also noticed that you began to like old movies less and less, and focus more on the new stuff that was coming out. When I entered this relationship, I was under the impression that you valued the classics like I did. I thought we had made a special connection. Apparently, I was wrong. I feel as if we've been slowly drifting apart. It feels like coming over to your place is such a chore now. I often ask myself while staring at a wall of movies, "What the hell am I doing here?" I just wander back and forth, hoping that you'll strike my mood right, but nothing seems to fit anymore.

I turned a blind eye when you cheapened yourself like all the local mishmash that offers their movies cheap for shorter periods of time. Where is your self-pride? Your complete lack of hubris also went so far as to copy other peoples' style. I cannot believe that it has come to this. Clearly, we are at a crossroads, and we simply cannot part from here going in the same direction. I must bring a swift end to this before things get worse than they already are. Please understand, this isn't entirely your fault. I know that times have been hard on you, and that you're in a bad way. I hope that you do well for yourself without me. I loved you once, and I hope that you can get yourself back to how you used to behave, so that someone else can love you as I loved you.

I've met someone else. They're a lot less high maintenance and things are much more simple. You used to be such a fun escape, but I think I'm ready to settle down now. I hope you understand. Please do try and be kind to all our other friends and neighbors who still come over to your place expecting a good time. I'm sure that some of them feel the same way as I do. Perhaps I'll be lucky enough to speak on their behalf to your heart, and that you'll change your ways for a new generation of movie borrowers.

No hard feelings,

Chris

or as you know me,

#22907266866

[things actual Blockbuster employees have said to me]

"That movie sucks! Why would you want to rent that?"

"Didn't find what you were looking for? That's okay, we don't want to rent you movies anyway."

"Your movie was scratched? No surprise there."

"Your game was scratched? Well, we don't have another copy of that game, so you'll have to pick another one."

"You don't like horror? Man, who doesn't like horror?"

"Actually, you can't use our bathrooms, they're for employees only. But I know there's a bathroom down the way at the grocery store or the gas station."

[funny things to do to screw with Blockbuster]

1. Walk into the store. When an employee asks you if they can help you find anything today, tell them that you do in fact, and present a long list of hard to find movies. They'll help you at your beck and call, because you're going to rent like a ton of movies. Gather all the movies up with their help, take them to the front, and inform the employee helping you that you left your wallet at home.

2. Walk into the store. Pick a movie. Walk up to the counter and get ready to pay for it. When they inform you of the price, ask them if there are any late fees. When they tell you that there are (there are again), ask if they provide any early return refund. When they ask you what you mean, explain that other movie rental companies make it to where you have incentive to return your movies the day after you rent them, which just so happens to normally be the day that you watch them. When they say they have no such program, tell them you're just going to Redbox and ask them where the nearest one is. 

3. Walk into the store. Start a stopwatch. Start walking around aimlessly. After about five minutes, grab a movie off the shelf and begin reading the synopsis. Walk another minute or so, grab another movie and repeat. Do this until an employee asks you if they can help you find anything. When you leave the store, see how long the stopwatch has been going. With any luck, your timer could read anywhere from 20-60 minutes. I have done this several times, and the longest time I've gotten before an employee even spoke to me was over two hours. If you really want to have fun, politely inform the employee that they have just been secret-shopped.

4. Before going into the store, decide on two movie quotes. Jumble the words around a bit and memorize the wrong way to say them. Then, go into the store and ask an employee if they know what movie your first quote is from. When you say the first one, say it as if you're quoting a different movie entirely. A couple examples:

Your quote is: "There's no place like home."

Garbled: "There's no place like where the heart is."

Add movie: A Few Good Men - Like Jack Nicholson yelling "YOU can't HANDLE the truth!"

End result: "THERE'S no PLACE like where the heart is!"

Your quote is: "All right, Mr. De Mille. I'm ready for my close-up."

Garbled: "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Bellevedere."

Add movie: The Godfather - Marlon Brando saying "I'm gonna make 'im an offa he can't refuse."

End result: "I'm ready for my closhe-up, Mista Bellevedere."

After you've said your first quote, see what movie (or multiple movies) they take you to. Whatever they lead you to, tell them that it doesn't look like the one you're thinking of. Then say that the movie they picked is the one where they say "(your second movie quote)". Or, when in doubt, just say you wanna watch the movie that has "STELLA!" in it.

5. When you rent a movie, give a stupid reason why you're renting it.

Examples:

The Big Lewboski - "Someone peed on my rug. I need some sound advice."

Minority Report - "I saw a vision of myself in the future killing someone. Renting this movie was part of my vision."

The Lion King - "I cry every time Mufasa dies because my uncle killed my father too."

Braveheart - "My history teacher asked me to write a paper about William Wallace."

Apollo 13 - "I love science fiction."

Jurassic Park - "I can't believe this actually happened."

Cars - "I'm a big car buff. So..."

Five People You Meet in Heaven - "I hope one of them is Elvis."

Raising Arizona - "The history of western expansion has always fascinated me."

Yellow Submarine - "They just don't make kids' movies like they used to."

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - "Story of my life."

Coyote Ugly - "Well, the acting is great, but the pacing is terrible!"

Meet the Parents - "I thought I'd show this to my in-laws."

Meet the Fockers - "I thought I'd torture my in-laws."

Remember the Titans - "I forgot."
The Thing - "My friends and I are planning to start the Brutherhood of Antarctica"

Lost is(n't) On: The Shape of Things to End

I've been a bad, bad boy. I skipped out on Ab Aeterno (a fantastic episode) because my internets would not work properly. I didn't post a review of The Package either, but I have a reasonable excuse for that: I was on vacation. There were obviously more important things than Lost. And I guess that's what we're all going to have to remember in the coming weeks - this show will be over soon, and we'll have to go back to worrying about things like how to avoid watching Dancing With the Stars or baseball. We'll have to entertain ourselves in new ways midweek, and I doubt we'll be watching V. So just remember: there are plenty more important things.

So what did I think of Ab Aeterno and The Package? Solid episodes. Ab Aeterno got us a lot more places than we've been before, but The Package was still very appealing to me. I *loved* the flash sideways, and I thought that both Sun and Jin had captivating performances. And of course there was the return of one of my favorite characters to hate, Mikhail. Keamy was back too, but we already knew what part he had to play (getting shot in the chest) and he's pretty one dimensional. Mikhail seemed a lot darker and more mysterious this episode with the little screen time that he had. Oh, and the scene between Smoke/Locke and Widmore was spot-on brilliant. I wish it would've never ended. Desmond was no surprise, but really...are we surprised by anything anymore?

This show has given us twists, turns, spills, thrills, deaths both expected and surprising, alternate universes, flash forwards, twist endings, irony, subversion, callbacks, pop culture references, classic literature references, historical references, biblical references - I mean you freakin' name it. If this show is anything, it's a look into everything that makes us human, from the greatest of our personal struggles, of good vs. evil, all the way down to the little things, like what books we'd like to read before we die. It takes huge ideas like time travel and boils it down to "Well, that was weird", and communicating with dead as a parlor trick. The relief here also is that no one is a vampire. In the end everyone we care about is mortal and fallible. Rarely has a show about so many mysterious and surreal things seemed so down to earth and human. This isn't the Twilight Zone. It's not the last episode of St. Elsewhere. It's the universe we live in, filled with extraordinary things located in an extraordinary place, with extraordinary people connected by fate, or physics, or whatever you want to believe.

That's why this show is fantastic. It's like we know what makes us human, now let's go deeper. Let's test our human subjects and press their loyalties and their morals. Now let's give them the car keys. Let's give them the bomb, or the button, or the gun, or the knife, or the code, or the tazer, or the boat, or the whatever it is, and let them decide the rules of the game. Let them decide what is good and what is evil. Don't forget free will. Never forget free will. Destiny may play a role in this show, but let us never forget that our characters always have the right of choice. Maybe that's what this show will come down to: the power of choice.

So who will make the good decisions? Who will be good, and who will be evil? Or will all the lines remain gray?

Tonight's episode will be covered on tomorrow afternoon, at which point normal weekly updates will resume.

How Sufjan Stevens Disappeared and Disappointed Everyone

Many years ago, I remember thinking to myself that pop music was a genre of art that was not worth my time. I was still very young, and still had a very shallow understanding of the music world. Even bands that I felt were well above the usual grade didn't truly inspire me or shake me to the core. I felt slighted. I knew that music could be so much more, and that surely somewhere there was a man or woman who could make it fluently; so brilliantly and beautifully that it could bring me to tears. I never knew such a love could exist, until the day when I first encountered Sufjan Stevens.

I was hunched over a table waiting for my turn at a bowling alley when I first heard the name - terribly mispronounced. My friend Allyson wrote the name down on a napkin, which I took home. During this time I was going through a musical obsession with overbearing hardcore metal. Sufjan would be a flower in the midst of death and decay. I downloaded some songs (illegally), took a listen, and shrugged. It was just alright in my mind. I should have known better. I always take a full album better than a few disjointed songs that I have no familiarity with. I shelved the music and was sure that I would never return. But as this was a recommendation from a friend whose opinion I greatly value, I decided to give Sufjan one more try. I bought Greetings From Michigan (for the first time) on iTunes for a bargain, listened front to back, and was floored. I had never heard an album quite like it before, with all its quiet misgivings, bashful rhythms, and gorgeous crescendos. I decided to cut deeper. The next week I purchased Seven Swans (for the first time) and Illinois (for the first time) and my mind was flipped backwards. I couldn't believe how I had missed this whole world of music.

I told everyone - everyone within earshot who would listen - I told them to buy every record this man had. I got excited to tell them, like I had discovered gold that everyone could partake in. When someone knew of him before I got to tell them, it was even more exciting. They were automatically my new favorite person. My friends began to form into a new spectrum in my imagining: those who knew of and liked Sufjan, and those who did not. I immediately decided that if a girl did not at least appreciate his music, she probably wasn't worth my time. This was how much I valued musical taste, and how much I valued Sufjan. He became my musical obsession. Every chance I got I would listen to him. I scoured the internet for B-sides. I salivated at the thought of an album of Illinois B-Sides. New music was coming fast and plentiful, and so it was the Golden Age of Sufjan.

I laid in my bed some nights and prayed that he wouldn't die young. I hoped that he would make music forever, and that every year or two I'd be graced with another masterpiece. I checked his web site every day to see if anything new was coming out for me to anticipate. I bought Asthmatic Kitty memorabilia. I convinced my friends to take me to see him in St. Louis the night before a midterm. That concert was one of my favorite concert experiences period. I got almost no sleep that night, I didn't study, and got a C on my midterm. Who cares. It was worth every hour wasted, and every penny spent. I got a t-shirt at that concert that I still wear. I was introduced to Enjoy Your Rabbit that weekend as well.

After that concert, the Golden Age began a steady decline. I gave my girlfriend to be a copy of Seven Swans (the second time I bought it), a repeat of my giving her a copy of Illinois a year before (the third time I had bought that record). She probably didn't realize it at the time, but giving her the gift of Sufjan meant that I liked her. A subtle test of our compatibility? Maybe. Turns out she didn't like him like I thought she did. Turns out she didn't like me like I thought either. But that's another story entirely.

Soon after the release of the Sufjan Christmas CD package, I realized that Sufjan had little left in his bag of tricks. The brightness and happiness I found in his music slowly began to fade. Then there was next year's Sufjan X-mas Gift Xchange tragedy. After trading songs with an avid fan who made a great piece of music, the newest and latest Sufjan X-mas song faded into oblivion after its new proud owner decided to only share with special invitees, and no one else. Collectively, Sufjan's fandom hung their heads in disappointment. To the victor go the spoils, I suppose. I hold out hope that one day he'll release the song, but something tells me that its included in his will.

Thus ended the Golden Age of Sufjan. Recently, the BQE found its way to CD, but since then nothing has changed. No new music, no more proper albums. Sufjan's musical presence has been reduced to that of collaboration. And why? Because he doesn't feel like it anymore. There are lots of articles that go over why he feels like music isn't his bag anymore. And to some degree, I suppose I understand. He's had a lot of pressure to stand and deliver. I also don't think he does very well with a large audience of people, either. There was an interview that he did with a PBS program called Austin City Limits. He looked like a nervous wreck. I thought, "How the heck is he nervous? Everybody loves him!" But even during the performance he looked as though he wasn't himself. I guess even brilliant musicians get nervous sometimes. He has always seemed like a modest fellow. And I'm sure that if I met him in real life, after all the gush and craziness I would let out, he would probably reassure me that he was just a normal guy with normal problems leading a normal life. That's just the kind of guy he is.

The truth is, I love Sufjan and all that he does. He's does what he loves, and doesn't seemed phased by the outside world. He's reclusive, and shrouded in mystery, yet I always beg to know more about him and his work. I wonder if he will ever reemerge, and if he does, will he be the same? Will he be better because of this long hiatus? Or has he been crafting the best material of his life in secret? Only time will tell. For now, the Sufjan faithful will remain quiet, despondent, and hopeful for another Golden Age of Sufjan.

Lost is On: Sleeping With the...Everyone

Words cannot explain why it has taken me until Thursday to bring a recap of this week's episode. What a provocative episode, you guys! Another con is in bed with Sawyer! Sawyer's in bed with the police! And then Charlotte! In an episode of whose side is whose, and whose side is where, Sawyer stands firm as the one guy of the bunch whose sleeping with everyone. Even his visit to Site B rehashes his tryst with Kate when he finds a soiled spring dress bunched up and hanging over the fish biscuit button (not really, but HEY...you got yourself a fish biscuit!). It sure makes us all glad that Juliette is (probably) dead, because it allows Sawyer to return to the All-American Man Whore we remember him as. Thankfully, however, this episode isn't titled "Who Sawyer Does", and it's not all about that either (I think). So, that being said, let's do the dishes!

We start the episode with the classic con that Sawyer does so well. The money spills out, you weren't exactly supposed to see that, but this version has a twist! The chick he's bedding is actually a con artist too? And the police are outside? (Why are the police outside? They should be inside!) And when Sawyer says the magic word, "LaFluer" (huh?), in come the police to arrest the con artist and HEY, Sawyer is a cop too! The whole thing was a set up! And Miles is his partner! Flashing sideways is weird, am I right?

The rest of the flash sideways is devoted to James sleeping with Miles' best friend's father's uncle's nephew's daughters former roommate Charlotte, blowing the whole deal because she found his secret "Sawyer" file, and finally bringing down the wall he has erected since age nine to allow Miles into his sad, twisted, revenge-driven life. Then Kate crashes into his car inexplicably, and we're left with another WTF flash sideways ending when Sawyer does finally nab her.

It's nice to see a "good" version of Sawyer, and to see Miles in a role that doesn't involve just mitigating main characters. He actually shows off some serious conflict chops when he first confronts Sawyer about his trip to Australia. I mean seriously, ACTING! It's crazy. I'm wondering if he can communicate with the dead in the sideways world at all, since it would make police work a heck of a lot easier. I'm almost kind of glad they didn't address that in any way, since I don't really like to think of Miles as a sort of Mentalist/Monk/Psyche/Ghost Whisperer. That would just be weird.

Back on the island, we see a lot of Smoke/Locke and his crew. We hear a lot of people saying, "That man is not Locke", but so many people are following him anyways that we often forget he's also THE SMOKE MONSTER. Kate and Claire have sort of falling out, as Claire tries to kill Kate while Sayid turns a blind eye. Thank goodness the smoke monster also has a heart and saves her. We wouldn't want the show to lose its weakest character, Smoke/Locke! But it's okay, because later Claire apologizes? But she's still a crazy mom? Wow, Lost. I can't wait for this Aaron subplot to be over. It has seriously been the worst part of this show thus far.

Meanwhile, Sawyer is sent off to Site B by Smoke/Locke to do some reconnaissance. We all know who he's going to find, so when Tina Fey shows up on the island somehow, we all know she's part of Widmore's team, and not the only survivor from the Ajira flight as she says she is. So, Sawyer gets whisked away to Widmore's sub, which looks strangely exactly the same as the sub that Locke blew up, so that they can talk. Sawyer tells Widmore that he'll lure Smoke/Locke into his trap so long as everyone on his boat doesn't get touched and is allowed to leave. Then, when Sawyer gets back to the main island, he tells Smoke/Locke that he's going to fool me twice the Widmore team and catch them "with their pants down". Finally, something that Sawyer is familiar with. We all know that Sawyer is the best liar ever, so obviously he's got other plans (which he explains to Kate). He's going to escape on the sub during the ensuing battle. CRAZY.

I missed the other characters this episode, who I find to be infinitely more interesting than Sawyer and Kate. Maybe that's just me, but seriously. What about Sayid turning basically evil? And what about Ben turning basically good? These guys are way more interesting than Sawyer and Kate basically being somewhere on the fence about everything. It makes them seem very wishy-washy, even if they're just looking out for number one. Why Smoke/Locke wants them on his team is beyond me, since he knows that they're backstabbing double-crossers. Or maybe that is why he wants them. Either way, I'm ready to move on from this episode and find out more about everyone else. It was a necessary episode, sure, but to me it just felt like pulling teeth.

I guess my hope is just that this show has a major twist at the end that no one sees coming. I do like Sawyer and Kate in their own regard, and I obviously root for them to succeed, because I'd much rather see the characters we've been devoted to winning the day rather than the Smoke Monster or freakin' Jacob. I don't really want any of them to "take over the island", but it seems that's the way the show is going. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. Most of my theories about the Lost-iverse have been very wrong in the past, so I won't bother guessing. Odds are everyone will be disappointed with the ending, but who cares. This show has held me captive for six hard-edged seasons. And that's saying a lot for any show.

Why Goodreads.com is the Worst

I don't read much. Hell, I don't get out much. When I have a night by myself, and I've worn myself thin on video games of any variety, I always do pretty much the same thing: I cook myself up some chicken strips and french fries, plop down on the couch, put my feet up, and watch a movie I've never seen before. It's invigorating, even if the movie is awful. This complete indulgence of self is fueled by our classic All-American food culture and pop culture. It's even better exemplified when I fall asleep watching baseball. Reading, conversely, is pretty much the last thing on my self-indulgence to-do list.

Don't get me wrong though, I have a pretty active imagination. There are times, when a story is good enough, where I can go long hours reading a book. It doesn't even necessarily have to be that interesting. But a book is an investment. It takes much longer to devour a book than it does to pop in a movie and make chicken strips. A book is like a romantic relationship, and movies are like mindless sex. A book could eventually lead you to the kind of euphoria a movie gives you instantaneously, but it takes forever. And it might not even work out at all. You may think you've landed yourself a killer book, but by the end you feel miserable and several hours have been wasted.

And I know, there are you crazy people who read a mile a minute and finished all of both the canonical and non-canonical Star Wars novels before you were twelve. You won't appreciate anything I have to say here. If books are like relationships, you've had your way with the books you read by the third date and dump them for the next book in line. Libraries are like nightclubs, and every book is a one-night stand. You're willing to read trash because you can read anything you want to without wasting any time.

Regular schmoes like me will understand that reading a book isn't so easy. We also understand that selecting a book isn't very easy either. It's a complicated process, and we need advice on which books to read and which to stay away from. If you're like me, then most of your friends aren't heavy readers either. Most of your friends are worse than even me though. They read only when a book becomes insanely popular, and society requires them to read it to remain cool (Twilight, Harry Potter, et al). These friends, and heavy reading friends, are not who you want to ask for book advice. Both are so opinionated and skewed on their book ideals, you'd wind up either reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being or Dear John. You'd probably get something out of both, but I can promise you that you don't want to read either of them.

So where does one turn? How can an easy decision be reached on what to read? A friend of mine told me to check out goodreads.com. He said that people who read books give reviews on what they thought about the book, and give it a rating. I thought this was a really neat idea, until I actually got to reading some of the reviews. I'd like to point out that 99% of these reviews were written by people who are not professional literary critics. And while some were written by a non-biased, intelligent person - most were written by people who either didn't really read the book, or love/hate the book for no good reason. The ratings are totally arbitrary, because hey, if a book is boring it obviously deserves one star. But if it has a gratuitous sex scene, FIVE STARS!

This site is absolutely no meter for what a "good read" is. How, for example, could Twilight be included in the list for the best novels of all time, and the list for the worst novels of all time? It's either the best, or the worst. Period. It can't be both. Every review is skewed in the 2.0-4.0 out of 5.0 range, because for every good review there's an oppositely valued bad review. Even classics like Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, number ONE on the list of bests, isn't even close to a 5.0. This rating system would make a lot more sense if certified literary critics were the only people adding to the ratings statistics. A comparable system would be that of metacritic.com, where only professionals are allowed to add to the discussion. The numbers are sometimes odd, but even in that system, the greatest examples of art are allowed to be truly great, and to relish in their greatness. On GoodReads, every book is mediocre, and why would I want to read a mediocre book?

GoodReads makes the decision making process harder than it was before we started, which is obviously not its intended effect. And doing the opposite of what you set out to do is the exact definition of failing. And that's all the GoodReads does. Fail.